My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he
decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the
rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon
was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon
and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over
and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I
lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to
preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you
started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A brunette is on the train tracks going 21 21 21 21 21 when all of a
sudden a blond comes by and says to the brunette that looks fun could I
try. Well the brunette not wanting to get the blonde mad, she said sure so
the blond is now on the train tracks saying 21 21 21 21 21. The blond not
hearing the train coming keeps on saying 21 the train is going really fast
not seing the blond hits her and the blond dies well then the brunette
comes back on the train tracks instead of saying 21 21 21 21 21 she is
now saying 22 22 22 22 22.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within
a half an hour, she is all done whereas t
he rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she
is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The
moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished
the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

RUG BURNED
----------
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his
cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No
sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he
said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found
them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

HANDS OFF THE MELONS
--------------------
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids
who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.

After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF
THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his
satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next
to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PICTURE PERFECT
---------------
A certain Senator was sitting in his attorney's office.

His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible
news?"

"Give me the bad news first," said the Senator.

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the Senator incredulously. "I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

DOGGED OUT
- Submitted by Wendy Spero
____________________________

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns
the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing
out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the
quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind
of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALL IN THE FAMILY
- Submitted by Joshua Rosa
____________________________

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man
regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy,
who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend
to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.'
They are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill
to my brother-in-law."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

KICKED TO THE CURB
- Submitted by Chris Young
____________________________

"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are
you again?"

"I am 78." The man said.

"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You
look like a 60 year old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that
whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool
off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHISKEY SOURPUSS
- Submitted by JoAnn Grigioni
_______________________________

A man's been drinking in the bar alone for three hours straight,
and the bartender is getting worried about him. He's downing
whiskey sour after whiskey sour.

Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, the
bartender shakes his head and says, "Sir, I think you've had
enough."

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says, "Wha - what's
that you say?"

The bartender swallows. "I said, I think you've had enough sir."

The drunk points a finger, "Lis - listen Jack, I been drrrinking
for thirty-six years and I have no idea when I've had enough - so
h-how the h-hell should you?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a rich dumb blond got a brand new Ferarri. She's driving
down the freeway tailgating a truck. The driver pulls over and
so does she, and they both get out of their cars.

He draws a circle on the ground and says to her "Stand in this
circle and DON'T MOVE UNTIL I SAY SO!"

She stands in the circle and the truck driver beats the crap
outta her car. And he turns around and says "HA!"

She's sitting there cracking up. He's says, "WHAT?? I beat the
crap outta yer car and you're laughing?"

She replies, "HAHAHA!! I stepped outta the circle when you
weren't looking!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a
tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan
tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde
checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with
a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

CASINO EVIL
- Submitted by Celia Bressack
_______________________________

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player
with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not
it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When
I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly,
when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to
do with that either, so why should I tip him?"

The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip
the waiter?"

"Yes," the gambler concedes.

"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't
up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you
should tip me."

"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for.
I'll take an 8."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of
the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying,
"Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For
heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

FATHER'S DAY FUNNIES
Submitted by Joke-of-the-Day members
______________________________________

SITTIN' BY THE DOCK OBEY
------------------------

Jimmy's mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football
game.

"Talk to your son," she said. "He refuses to obey a word I say."

The father turned to Jimmy angrily. "Jimmy, how dare you disobey
your mother. Do you think you're better than your old man?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

DOLLARS FOR GO NUTS
-------------------

Mrs. O'Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son
and his allowance.

"Well, darling," said Mr. O'Henry, "I had a long talk with him
last week about the value of a dollar."

"I know," she replied, "the other day he asked for his allowance
in Yen."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM DADS
----------------------

Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over
whose father could beat the other' up.

The brown-haired kid said, "My father is way better than yours."

The blond came back, "Maybe, but my mother is better than yours."

"That's what my father says."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a
Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one
weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to
each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this
trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time
schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into
Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting
out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived
right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up
the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally
asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the
supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly
fine. I tested them all just before we left."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were
trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."

The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while.
Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next
expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started
laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun.
You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "Not if you go at night. DUH!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once there was a plane load of blondes. Suddenly, the pilot made
an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're
having engine problems and we're gonna have to lose some weight,
so we're dropping the wings." The pilot then dropped the wings.

An hour later he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're still
carrying too much weight, so we're gonna drop the engines." The
pilots proceeded to drop the engines.

Another hour later, he said, "We're still carrying too much
weight, so we're gonna drop the floor. Would everyone please hold
onto the metal bar above your heads." So, he dropped the floor.

Soon after, he announced, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm pleased to
say that we are now stable."

And all the blondes started clapping.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes are walking in the woods when one looks down and
says," Look, dog poop." The other bends down and smells it,
"Smells like dog poop." They both stick there fingers in it,
"feels like dog poop." They taste it, "Tastes like dog poop." One
says to the other "Sure glad we didn't step in it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

SURPRISE PACKAGE
Submitted by Jeff Lifschultz
______________________________

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides
to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the
bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and
eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The
pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and
searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if
she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top
drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he
finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture
of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman are at a beach-side restaurant waiting for the
waitress to take their order. Finally, they are greeted by a
young woman with blonde hair.

The woman asks her, "Is the roast beef here rare?"

A puzzled look came over the young waitress's face for a moment,
but then she replies assuredly, "No, we usually have it, like,
everyday."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE GROUNDED CONDUCTOR
Submitted by Jason Nash


Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad
and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would
you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each
other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down
there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone
to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use
the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get
my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diary of a blonde newlywed

Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's
fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the
recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat
the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to
bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look
startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some
water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda
silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the
rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's.
So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there
one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked
if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right
over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong
with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked
the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens
dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a
doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real
cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it
in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven,
because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am
eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they
can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a
mailbox in my car."

P: "Uh ... How's that working?"

B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

P. "And why do you think that is?"

B. "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps
changing."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see
the "upturn."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination;
fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't
demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They
decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd.
The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to
buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.

"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd
like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found
the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S.
are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word,
please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand
this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow. When she
gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, brunette and redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull
flys over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on! The bathroom is just up
the hill and I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so
funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at
her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper, that seagull will
be miles away!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you find out whether a blonde is indeed a true blonde?

A: You ask her: 'what is 6 and 9 to you?'

If she says: '15, why do you ask?', she's a bleached brunette.

If she says: 'sixty-nine!' and leers, she's a bleached redhead.

If she says: 'well.. umm.. I.. what was the question again?' then yes, she
is a true blonde.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A
police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had
stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please"

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this,"
she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a
license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary
license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here:
'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency
room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought 'I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting
myself in the chest'."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get
my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth'."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, 'This is going to make a
loud noise', so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
trigger."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your stupid act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the advantage of being married to a blonde?

A: You get to park in handicapped spaces.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at
that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he
asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who
would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a sudden and prolonged cold spell in Grand Forks, North Dakota this
past winter, a really stacked blonde stopped in to see her former
Chemistry Professor.

"Professor, I wonder if you could tell me - er, well, that is, I mean the
exact temperature at which silicone freezes?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school
if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, the blondest girl in
school, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited
until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

Here's the call:

Blonde Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly is unable to make it
to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her
absence. Who is this calling?"

Blonde Kelly: "This is my mother."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a blonde walked into a cookie shop to see a small tray full of
cookies. The sign said 'free sample' so she took one.

The next day the blond was sick and could barely move. She swore revenge
upon the cookie shop. She marched back to the cookie shop and burst into
the cookie shop and slammed her foot. "Your cookies made me sick!" she
screamed, pointing to the 'free sample' tray.

"Oh, what are we going to do about that?" said the store clerk, as he bit
his lip.

"I want my money back!" screamed the blonde.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the
mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was
waiting for a special delivery.

"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do most blondes get on an IQ test?

A: Drool.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the blonde who committed suicide?

She was throwing away a cigarette from atop of the Empire State Building,
but she threw the wrong butt off.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?

A: She's the one on her bike.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?

A: She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth
of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you
wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it.

The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned
into an Eagle and flew away.

Next, the red head jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she
landed on all fours and walked away.

Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled,
"SHIT!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in
the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was
this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd
been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and
there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all
my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad
had once told her - "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a
snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed
the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got
out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told
her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can
follow me over to K-Mart."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde husband was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have
developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be
stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired
someone to 'guard' them. In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside
the closet!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a
little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat?

A: No spelling errors on her tattoo's.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A: A blonde parade.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?

A: Air bubbles.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A1: They can't remember the number.

A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?

A: Because they can understand them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a
Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one
weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to
each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this
trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time
schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into
Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting
out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived
right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up
the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally
asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the
supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly
fine. I tested them all just before we left."

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Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more
individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local
car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was
wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint
work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy
country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was
flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio - what could possibly go
wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly
coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a
few minutes, that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily,
she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub
and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind
her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was
purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do
that?"

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One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her
keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the
glove box!"

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A blonde went to see a psychiatrist about her husband (he
wouldn't go with her).

"Doctor, My husband has this problem.
Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people
dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

The blonde leans forward as she softly whispers this
confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem
for me! Morris sleeps with his mouth open and his little
light keeps me awake!"

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A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many
characters!"

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our
phone book."

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A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial
trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for
help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost
my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to
lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night
comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she
prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I
don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is
a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is
confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me
halfway on this.

"Buy a ticket."

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A blonde moves to the country and decides he's going to take up
farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me
100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the blonde returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the blonde returns. This time he says, "Give me 500
baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be
doing well!"

"Naw," said the blonde with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or
too far apart!"

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After living in a remote wilderness all his life, a blonde husband
decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores
he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was,
he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his
blonde wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn,
and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go
there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found
the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal
he's runnin' after! I'll kill him!"

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This guy passed away and this blonde girl called 911. The 911 operator
told the blonde that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

The blonde replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally the blonde said, "How 'bout if I
drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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A brunette guy , a redhead guy and a blonde guy were doing construction
work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the
brunette said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The redhead opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the brunette opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. The readhead opens his lunch, sees
a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the
bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the brunette's wife is weeping. She says, "If
I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I
never would have given it to him again!" The redhead's wife also
weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I
didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't
look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

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This blonde guy - Hank was not too smart. Everyday when he
walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty
men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest
to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense
classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate
class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old
route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to
them and the battleensued. The next afternoon Hank went to
his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a
busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night
so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money,
but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"