Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a
left.


Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or
no?


Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you
need more.


Death is hereditary.


An expert is someone who takes a subject you
understand and makes it sound confusing.


Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is
not one of them.


When you're right, no one remembers. When you're
wrong, no one forgets.


Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.



Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just
like everyone else.



Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose
your hair.


Well done is better than well said.




Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them
when nobody is looking.



They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take
the chance.


I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at
it for hours.



Where there's a will, there are five hundred
relatives.



I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.



Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere!



Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.



Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding



I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met



When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.



Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.




If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.





Many people quit looking for work when they find a
job.





I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.





Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.





For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened,
small stain.





Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara
Falls. Intelligence is not trying.




When a woman says "No" she really means "Yes", but not
with you.